Ways to Kill a Malfoy
by Lilbit and Ariana Black
Summary: Finally, we have uploaded another installment of Ways To Kill A Malfoy. If you like Malfoy, I don't suggest you read this. But it's all in fun, so don't get mad. Oh, and our sincerest apologies for taking so long to do another chapter. Enjoy and review!
1. Ron's Turn

AN- This is a product of a late night IM session between me and Ariana (whose stories you should read… well you should read both of our stories!).  Well, it was late night for me (3:00).  It was only 1:00 where she was, so I don't know what her excuse was ;-).  Just kidding Ari (my internal clock is on Tokyo time, okay?).  Now, in order to continue this story, we need people to e-mail us their plots to kill Malfoy.  Oh, come on, I know we've all done it! But eventually, We'll decide the best plot, (or maybe pick from your votes), and we'll have a grand meeting in London in front of the Leaky Cauldron to carry out our evil plan! (AB- Kill the Bastard!) ::sinister laughter:: Ahem. ::looks at the people next to her in the computer lab:: Anyway… on with the plotting………. --LilBit

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            Ron and Harry were sleeping in their dorm room.  Rather, they were trying to sleep.  They  both had something on their minds.

            "You awake?" Harry whispered to the bed next to him.  He really didn't think he'd get an answer, but he did.

            "Yeah," came Ron's surprised voice. "What are you still doing up?  You didn't go and find another Mirror of Erised, did you?"

            "No!" Harry said.  "I'm just thinking about that prank that git Malfoy played today." 

            "Don't remind me!"

            "Shhh!!" Harry hissed. "You'll wake the others.

            "I know what we can do," Ron said, lowering his voice once again. "Lets play our favorite game."

            "Ways to Kill a Malfoy" They whispered together.

            "Yay!" Harry said, running and jumping on Ron's bed

            "Oi, Harry, the object is to kill Malfoy, not me!" Ron told him, sliding away to avoid getting sat on by Harry.

            "You go first." Harry said, ignoring Ron.

            "Oh, ok. Hmmmm, lets see…"

            "Ohhhhh… Ahhhh…"

            "Shut up, Harry.  Do you want to kill Malfoy or not?"

            "Shutting up."

            "Anyway," Ron continued, "we'll do it tomorrow afternoon, after the Care of Magical Creatures Lesson.  I hear we're doing Hippogriffs again.  Buckbeak'll be there."

"How? He's supposed to be in hiding?"

"Hagrid sent me an owl this afternoon. He flew back, so Hagrid's hiding him."

            "Yay! Good for Hagrid.  So Buckbeack'll kill him?"

            "Maybe…" Ron seemed to think about this a minute. "Ok, This is what we'll do in the off chance that Buckbeak doesn't kill him first."

            "Ah, ok.  Continue"

            "Now see, We put the Full Body Bind on him.  Then we slip a noose around his neck… Now you can ohh and ahh, Harry."

            "Oops… Ohhhhh… Ahhhh…"

            "Thank you." Ron continued.  "Now that we've gotten the noose around his neck, what should we attach it to?"  He wondered.

            "Buckbeak!" Harry said, with his eyes looking bright.  "We attach it to Buckbeak, and let him fly away!"

            "Ohh, good one!  But we need to take the body bind curse off of Malfoy before he takes off, or else his neck will be too stiff to break."

            "Good point." But then Harry said with worry, "But what if that doesn't kill him?" 

            "Then we'll just beat him with a club," Ron replied easily

            Harry seemed happier now that they were sure Malfoy was dead. "Then what," he asked, like a little kid listening to his parents reading him a bedtime story.

            "Then we chop Malfoy up with a butcher knife, and make a nice Malfoy steak for Buckbeak."

            "YAY!" Harry exclaimed, forgetting their sleeping dorm mates. "Ding dong the bastards dead! Which bastard? The Malfoy one! Ding dong the &*%$ing bastards dead!" He sang this while jumping back and forth between his bed and Ron's. A minute later, he realized Ron was looking at him like he'd lost his mind. 

            "Sorry." He said, jumping one last time, the getting off the bed. "Muggle thing."

            Just then another person in the room stirred.  Harry and Ron were treated to some colorful language by Dean, surprisingly the only person who had been awakened by Harry's momentary lapse of sanity.

            The duo mumbled a quick "Sorry," and headed down to the common room, as their minds were deep in thought of how they could kill Malfoy.

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AN- That was mine and Ariana Black's plot.  Now we need yours!  E-mail me your murder plots to: jed04@uark.edu.  Oh, the song was actually Ariana's creation (AB- And a product of too little sleep and too much sugar).  I take no credit.  Now go read our stories. Now. Go. -LilBit


	2. Harry's Turn!

A/N- Its me today, Ariana Black. Today's plot is contributed by Chibichick32! Oh, and I noticed some people were offended by our attacks on Malfoy. Truthfully, I like him, but he's so much fun to torment and kill. Same with Snape. Oh, and to anyone who's read my Ariana Series (shameless plug, I know) Ariana makes an appearance here.

"Well, at least there's no one down here to yell at us." Ron said as he and Harry walked down the stairs. "We can plot more ways to kill the git."

"Ah yes. Too bad its against the law to carry any of this stuff out." Harry grinned.

"But its nice to dream, isn't it?" Ron asked. They laughed as they reached the bottom stair, when they heard a sudden gasp and a loud thump from one of the couches. Their curiosity piqued, they walked over to see Neville Longbottom on the floor with his girlfriend, Ariana Black (if you've ever read my series, Ariana is Sirius' niece and Harry's adopted sister, cuz Sirius adopted them both). Startled by Ron and Harry's sudden appearance, they'd fallen off the couch they'd been making out on.

"Having fun?" Harry asked innocently. Both Ariana and Neville had turned bright red.

"Judging from the way Ariana's lipstick is smeared across Neville's face, I'd say so." Ron grinned. Neville rolled his eyes as he sat with his girlfriend on one of the couches.

"What are you two doing awake?" he asked.

"Still up thinking about the git's prank." Ron replied.

"And plotting his death."

"You mean Malfoy of course?" Ariana asked.

"Do you know any other sneaky low down bastard?" Harry asked.

"Hey, _I'm_ the one he played the prank on. I should at _least_ have a hand in his death." Ariana said.

"Whose death?" Hermione asked, coming down the stairs.

"What are you doing up?" Harry asked. Was there _any_ Gryffindor still asleep?

"Well, I heard a thump down here and decided to come check it out."

"Ron and Harry walked in on us." Ariana explained.

"And now we're plotting Malfoy's death." Ron replied.

"What did he do this time?" Hermione sighed, sitting down next to Ron.

"He used Polyjuice Potion to turn himself into Neville." Harry told her. "And-"

"Excuse me, could _I_ please tell what happened? _I'm_ the one he was kissing." Ariana interrupted. "Malfoy pretended to be Neville so he could make out with me."

"Bastard." Hermione mumbled. It was a well known fact throughout the school that Malfoy liked Ariana. It was also a well known fact that Ariana despised him and wanted nothing to do with him. This didn't stop him at all.

"So now we're plotting his death." Harry finished. "Ron already had one, so its my turn now."

"Do you realize how morbid this is?" Hermione asked.

"Yes." Harry and Ron answered in unison.

"All right, let's see." Harry began, trying to think of the perfect plot. "I've got it. You know how we're doing Shrinking Potions in Potions this week? Well, all we have to do is save some and slip it into his pumpkin juice at dinner."

"And how do you plan on getting it into his juice?" Ron asked.

"The Invisibility Cloak of course." Harry replied. "Anyway, once he's shrunk, Ron and I can try to stomp him."

"He could easily hide under something." Hermione pointed out. "How can you stomp him if he's under a cabinet or something."

"We'll send Crookshanks to chase him out. Maybe Crookshanks will even eat him."

"You can't. Malfoy would give him indigestion or something." Hermione protested. "Besides, what if the space is too small for Crookshanks to fit under?"

"Then we'll set a trap for him." Harry replied. Everyone was on the edge of their chairs now, listening eagerly.

"What could _possibly_ lure Malfoy out of hiding when he knows we're trying to stomp him?" Ron asked.

"Do you want to hear this or what?" Harry asked, beginning to get frustrated with all the interruptions. "We'll put a chocolate frog in the trap or something, I don't care. Anyway, when we catch him, we'll put him in a box, then another box, then send the box to Hagrid saying its Hippogriff treats for Buckbeak."

"And then Buckbeak eats him!" Ron finished happily.

"Exactly." Harry grinned.

"Oh honestly." Hermione sighed. "Is that the best you can do?"

"Oh, and I suppose you can do better?" Harry challenged.

"As a matter of fact, yes, I can." she replied.

"Well then, by all means, be my guest." 


	3. Hermione's turn

AN- Ok, We (actually, I, LilBit) finally wrote the next installment of "Ways to Kill a Malfoy." Our deepest apologies for delaying getting this posted. Here are our excuses. I (LilBit) was on a fourty day sabbatical from ff.net. In other words, I gave up fan fiction for Lent. Ariana Black was busy writing the… ::counts on fingers:: five stories that are her works in progress. We were also having trouble thinking up a plot that we thought Hermione would have thought up. We didn't think that she would have thought of some blood and guts plot. Now read the chapter! Go! Now! Why are you still reading this… I told you to read the chapter… Oh, I give up. --LilBit  
  
"Well," Hermione began. But before she could continue, a clattering could be  
  
heard from the girls' staircase. A moment later, Ginny appeared.  
  
"Hey," She asked in surprise, "What are you guys doing?"  
  
"We're playing How to Kill a Malfoy," Harry told her as she sat down in the same plush armchair with him, ignoring a very overprotective-brother-look from Ron. "Want to play?"  
  
"Of course." Ginny said, then paused. "What did he do this time?"  
  
They all fell silent as they waited for Ariana to tell about Malfoy's prank, but the only answer that could be heard was a light snore. Ariana had fallen asleep, curled up next to Neville.  
  
"Aw, isn't that cute?" Ginny giggled.  
  
This time it was Harry who shot an overprotective-brother-look towards Neville, who shrugged as if to say 'I couldn't help it.'  
  
"So what did Malfoy do?" Ginny asked again, as much to distract Harry than to satisfy her curiosity.  
  
"He took Polyjuice potion to make himself Neville so that he could make out with Ariana." Hermione told her.  
  
Ginny gasped in surprise. Then, in a very strained calm voice, she asked Ron, "Could you put a silencing charm on me, please?"  
  
Looking confused, Ron did so. As soon as he cast the charm, Ginny began to shout silently, not leaving much to the imagination as to what she was saying. It was quite obvious that she was screaming obscenities directed at Draco Malfoy. After about five minutes, she composed herself once more and motioned for Ron to take the charm off of her.  
  
"What," she asked looking at their faces. "Didn't think I could cuss?" She grinned. "Who's turn is it?"  
  
"Mine," Hermione began. "All we need is some poison and a Time Turner."  
  
"Time Turner?" Ginny and Neville asked in unison.  
  
"You turn it, and you go back in time." Hermione explained.  
  
"I understand the poison..." Harry said.  
  
"...But what is the time turner for?" Ron finished.  
  
"Listen and you'll find out, won't you?" Hermione told them impatiently. "May  
  
I continue?"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am." Harry and Ron said together. Neville and Ginny snikered, while Hermione went on.  
  
"Oh, and we'll need the cooperation of the younger Dobby, as well."This brought a few very confused looks, but Harry and Ron decided not to interrupt her again.  
  
"Here's the plan. We use the Time Turner to go back to right after Malfoy's parents get married. We bring the poison to Dobby and convince him to put some into Mr. Malfoy's food."  
  
"So?" We're trying to kill Malfoy, not Malfoy's parents." Ron protested.  
  
"The name of the game is Ways to kill a Malfoy, not the Malfoy. I can kill any Malfoy I want."  
  
"She's got a point there, Ron." Neville, who had caught on, told him.  
  
"May I continue?" She did without waiting for a response. "Don't you two get it? With Mr. Malfoy dead, Malfoy would never be born!" She announced with triumph.  
  
"Harry, I think she's got you beat." Neville told him.  
  
"Ok, Harry, Hermione and I have all had turns. Whose next?" asked Ron.  
  
AN-Okay, so who should be next? Be sure to send your murder plots in too, we're running out of good ideas. Oh, and review after you're done reading this. The Dementors know where you live and will hunt you down if you don't. Mwahahaha! –Ariana Black 


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